It has definitely been a while since my last post. I guess I’m just too busy sitting on my ass at home. At least I finally started one of the things I wanted to do this summer. I guess I’ve started two – although I stopped doing one more than a week ago and started the other just hours ago.
I’m wasting my life and I know it. Since I came back home on the 18th of May, I’ve only left the house at least 6 times. That’s not good. I only have maybe 3 friends here. I made plans with one of them for this week and I haven’t been able to make it to her house as yet.
I’m “comfortable” home. I’m more antisocial than I last remembered. In 2015, I usually would sit on a bench all day just watching people, writing, or drawing. Sometimes I would meet up with my then boyfriend and even other friends. I wasn’t afraid to sit alone – and I’m still not.
I just see it as wasting time going there only to go back home after a day of sitting again. I’m already wasting so much time home. I get up late and I go to sleep late. Yesterday morning, my dad asked “is this what you do in Jamaica?”, he knows the answer to that is “no”. Heck, if he finally got to come home and not have school, wouldn’t he do the same? He can sleep in as long as he wants though. That’s for another time, maybe.
Usually when I write I feel something, but today I honestly don’t. I feel like a blank piece of paper. I can either feel sad because I’ve nothing on me, or glad knowing that I have so much space to cover with who knows what. I am biased when it comes to emotions. I know how to keep a smile on my face, yet I rather feel sorry for myself. That’s kind of selfish. Maybe that’s what Gareth meant when he said I was selfish.
My life is so boring and empty and I can’t think of anyway to make it seem more worthwhile. I should be glad that I even have a life – but what’s the use if you’re not living it?
Maybe if I learn how to drive and have gas money I’ll go places. I’m so useless. It’s as though my room is my bubble. I don’t do anything, I don’t go anywhere. I’m gonna end up spending the next 2 months in this house.
I don’t even go outside. I want to go to the beach so bad. I just want to immerse myself in something other than feelings. I want the salt to burn my eyes, just so I can feel something.
I can’t function.