Thursday 22nd June, 2017.

12:52 a.m.

It has definitely been a while since my last post. I guess I’m just too busy sitting on my ass at home. At least I finally started one of the things I wanted to do this summer. I guess I’ve started two – although I stopped doing one more than a week ago and started the other just hours ago.

I’m wasting my life and I know it. Since I came back home on the 18th of May, I’ve only left the house at least 6 times. That’s not good. I only have maybe 3 friends here. I made plans with one of them for this week and I haven’t been able to make it to her house as yet.

I’m “comfortable” home. I’m more antisocial than I last remembered. In 2015, I usually would sit on a bench all day just watching people, writing, or drawing. Sometimes I would meet up with my then boyfriend and even other friends. I wasn’t afraid to sit alone – and I’m still not.

I just see it as wasting time going there only to go back home after a day of sitting again. I’m already wasting so much time home. I get up late and I go to sleep late. Yesterday morning, my dad asked “is this what you do in Jamaica?”, he knows the answer to that is “no”. Heck, if he finally got to come home and not have school, wouldn’t he do the same? He can sleep in as long as he wants though. That’s for another time, maybe.

Usually when I write I feel something, but today I honestly don’t. I feel like a blank piece of paper. I can either feel sad because I’ve nothing on me, or glad knowing that I have so much space to cover with who knows what. I am biased when it comes to emotions. I know how to keep a smile on my face, yet I rather feel sorry for myself. That’s kind of selfish. Maybe that’s what Gareth meant when he said I was selfish.

My life is so boring and empty and I can’t think of anyway to make it seem more worthwhile. I should be glad that I even have a life – but what’s the use if you’re not living it?

Maybe if I learn how to drive and have gas money I’ll go places. I’m so useless. It’s as though my room is my bubble. I don’t do anything, I don’t go anywhere. I’m gonna end up spending the next 2 months in this house.

I don’t even go outside. I want to go to the beach so bad. I just want to immerse myself in something other than feelings. I want the salt to burn my eyes, just so I can feel something.

I can’t function.

1:11 a.m.


6 thoughts on “Thursday 22nd June, 2017.

  1. I suffered from that tendency when I was younger. I would sit online all day and browse forums. I blogged on LiveJournal and taught myself how to code. For so many years, I regretted that I’d wasted my life. Now I’m thinking that I learned many, many things in those times I spent time alone and I’m glad I had that time to reflect. Can you draw to make money? Is there something you do well?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your comment really made me smile, Alyssa (: I don’t think anyone where I live would want to pay me to draw for them, hahaha, but what you said about you learning to code makes me what to either get better at drawing or try something different with art. Right now, I only use graphite but I have a set of coloured pencils that I can’t draw a portrait with. I guess it would be fun learning how to properly draw with those. Thank you so much again for taking time out to comment ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m so glad it made you smile! I truly do see bits of my past self in what you wrote. Do you have a DeviantArt profile? There are a lot of talented artists who mostly share their work through WordPress or DA. Honestly, if the thought of a regular workday of going to a job and coming home isn’t for you, don’t stress. There are lots of opportunities out there for a life of flexibility and creativity, and lots of them make good money. I also feel like we compare ourselves to everyone now thanks to Facebook and social media. It’s so easy to see what everyone is doing, who is hanging out with who, and who is getting married, having kids, etc. It’s so easy to feel like, “My friends are all hanging out with other people. Shouldn’t I be doing that too?” Just do what you do best. The good friends will stick it out with you.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I don’t have a DeviantArt profile but I should definitely make one. I also checked out your ‘About Me’ page and I always found it more fun to decorate houses in The Sims as well xD I totally get what you’re saying with social media and comparisons. I try so hard not to compare myself to others, but some nights stuff like that just get the best of you. Thank you so much for all the advice. I really appreciate it.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. No worries! Oh yes, I definitely spent far too long in those years on The Sims. I started to feel like the gameplay was repetitive, but designing houses was never boring. I guess it gave me a love of interior design though.

        Liked by 1 person

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