Tuesday 6th June, 2017.

3:50 p.m.

I can’t and won’t talk to you right now. I’ll just say something stupid again. I don’t want to hurt you and so far today that’s all I’ve been doing. Typo or not, the instant after you read that error it stung. I know. I’m sorry.

Today, after that, I’ve been trying to hold these useless tears in. Why the fuck am I the one crying? I don’t know. I cry for everything. I even went as far as pretending to sleep because I couldn’t control it and needed to shove my face in a pillow. Someone came in when I was pretending, I felt the breeze from my fan pause momentarily as they stood possibly staring at my face. I don’t know who it was but I think it was my sister.

I really want to stop talking about me – but who else can I talk about? I’m not anyone else but me. Yeah, I’m just me.

It’s not that I don’t want you. It’s that I feel in the long run you’ll be disappointed with me. I’m disappointed with me. From hormones to my current location, I’ll probably cry for the rest of the week.

It’s raining outside. I can feel the cool sea breeze floating through my bedroom window. I like the green colour of my curtains. And-

Yes I want to run away with you. I want to be with you. I’m surprised my tears have only began at this point, right here. But it’s true. I imagined a lot more than I let on. I saw you mostly, but I saw smaller ones too… eventually. I saw days and I saw nights. I saw places. Cold places with snow. Do you remember where we said we would go? It starts with an ‘A’.

I love you. I really do. I feel like an absolute child right now. I can’t run to you and say don’t bother with what I said. I said to run because things can get scary – seas can get rough. I never want the people that I love to endure painful things. That’s why I told you to run.

I will chase after you if you do, but here I am. Afraid of what I’ll say to you next. I always try to be kind and do the right things. Somehow I always do the wrong things to myself.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

4:03 p.m.

 

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