Monday 17th July, 2017.

11:12 p.m.

Since I’ve come home for summer, I haven’t had a night where I felt as odd as I do now. I think I know why I feel so strange, but the fact that I feel strange… is strange. Have you ever been friends with someone, broken down a barrier and felt great, then as it got darker outside you just feel like you don’t want to be friends with them anymore? No? Me either.

I really don’t know how to describe the feeling. Maybe I’m just hungry? The last time I ate was hours ago. I wish I could go back a few hours though, and change some of the decisions I made tonight. They say every thing happens for a reason, and I believe that too but… I feel like I did something so wrong. Are all the things I said in the past coming to haunt me?

Some of the talking wasn’t even from me, yet I feel responsible for those words too. I feel like a bad person. That’s it right there. All because of a misunderstanding – and I want to come clean but I feel like such a bitch.

I need to go to sleep, because I know when I awake I’ll feel brand new.

11:22 p.m.

Thursday 13th July, 2017.

12:23 a.m.

I have a migraine that approached me outta nowhere. I’ve been drinking water all day, ever since I realized how dehydrated I am. I’ve also had way less sugar today. I also found that too much sugar was the cause of some problems that I had. So I’m trying to drink more water, and reduce my sugar consumption. So far so good – minus the migraine.

I was thinking about something to write before I went for my laptop. I can’t remember now, ahahaha. I’m kinda tired.

What I predicted in my last post happened, but nothing has really changed. I talk to him less now and I don’t remember when was our last Skype Call or when we last played GTA Online.

Maybe we are better off as friends. Maybe because I fell back behind the line I had crossed. With the line there, I don’t think I’m behaving as I normally would. Nothing has happened since then though. I don’t have anything to talk about.

I should enjoy being single though. It’s nice. Time to work on you and only you, without having to worry about another person.

I imagine my strength as a bulwark around me. I feel as though parts of it were destroyed. I wanna rebuild those parts. I’m glad he said something that’s been pushing me to be a better me.

Oh! I also went to the beach on the 6th. I enjoyed it. I’ve also become aware of how lazy I am when it comes to swimming. Hahahahaha. I should work on that.

Hey (:

12:36 a.m.

Wednesday 5th July, 2017.

7:54 p.m.

I keep feeling as though I’m not good enough. You’ve never given me that impression. You’ve never made me feel as though I weren’t – but I feel like I’m not enough. I want this to work out, I really do, but I feel like it won’t because of me. I’m not saying that I bring my baggage with me wherever I go, it’s just because I’m here right now.

I feel like I’ll cause irreparable damage, or one day you’ll just decide that it’s probably best if it doesn’t go any further. You’ll be right. I can’t blame you. No wonder all the other one did was leech off of me. That was all I was good for.

I’m trying to always stay so positive, but it’s so difficult doing that here. I should see it as a challenge and try – but all of the words would pile up in the back of my mind until I break again one day. When I break, I wouldn’t even remember how long I went without feeling like shit.

At that point, I’ll only see the worst – I broke. You said I am strong – but I am weary. When will I rest? When will I be able to get rid of this weight myself and not depend on someone else to help me carry it?

Right now, I’m in a low mood. I’ll climb to the top again but I don’t know when that’ll be.

You could run and escape all of these useless things, but yet you stay. I don’t know why. I doubt you’re one of those people that just stay to see who the other person really is. Just so you know who they are and nothing more.

I don’t understand you. When I sit back and think, do I know you? Do I know me?

I was in–…  It wasn’t a relationship but I spoke to someone about the stuff I tell you. When I was younger and too naïve. He was born in 1986. He probably thought as himself as a listening ear. His intentions were wrong, and he didn’t care about the things I told him either.

“Are you a virgin?”

“Have you lost your virginity yet?”

The latter question was when I finally saw who he really was – I never spoke to him again. He’s married now and has a son. I saw him in December and I did not tell him “hello”. He was walking with his son in his arms. He was never my friend. Though he didn’t use me, I don’t know why I feel betrayed by him.

When I write these posts, I have absolutely no idea where they would go. I always feel so much better after writing them though. That’s why I write them. It doesn’t matter if anyone reads them, but that it helps me feel much better. I’m so repetitive hahahaha. I’m not a writer so I don’t feel bad at all xD

I hope whoever reads this is having a good great night, and if you aren’t, I pray it gets better.

8:15 p.m.

Thursday 22nd June, 2017.

12:52 a.m.

It has definitely been a while since my last post. I guess I’m just too busy sitting on my ass at home. At least I finally started one of the things I wanted to do this summer. I guess I’ve started two – although I stopped doing one more than a week ago and started the other just hours ago.

I’m wasting my life and I know it. Since I came back home on the 18th of May, I’ve only left the house at least 6 times. That’s not good. I only have maybe 3 friends here. I made plans with one of them for this week and I haven’t been able to make it to her house as yet.

I’m “comfortable” home. I’m more antisocial than I last remembered. In 2015, I usually would sit on a bench all day just watching people, writing, or drawing. Sometimes I would meet up with my then boyfriend and even other friends. I wasn’t afraid to sit alone – and I’m still not.

I just see it as wasting time going there only to go back home after a day of sitting again. I’m already wasting so much time home. I get up late and I go to sleep late. Yesterday morning, my dad asked “is this what you do in Jamaica?”, he knows the answer to that is “no”. Heck, if he finally got to come home and not have school, wouldn’t he do the same? He can sleep in as long as he wants though. That’s for another time, maybe.

Usually when I write I feel something, but today I honestly don’t. I feel like a blank piece of paper. I can either feel sad because I’ve nothing on me, or glad knowing that I have so much space to cover with who knows what. I am biased when it comes to emotions. I know how to keep a smile on my face, yet I rather feel sorry for myself. That’s kind of selfish. Maybe that’s what Gareth meant when he said I was selfish.

My life is so boring and empty and I can’t think of anyway to make it seem more worthwhile. I should be glad that I even have a life – but what’s the use if you’re not living it?

Maybe if I learn how to drive and have gas money I’ll go places. I’m so useless. It’s as though my room is my bubble. I don’t do anything, I don’t go anywhere. I’m gonna end up spending the next 2 months in this house.

I don’t even go outside. I want to go to the beach so bad. I just want to immerse myself in something other than feelings. I want the salt to burn my eyes, just so I can feel something.

I can’t function.

1:11 a.m.

Tuesday 6th June, 2017.

3:50 p.m.

I can’t and won’t talk to you right now. I’ll just say something stupid again. I don’t want to hurt you and so far today that’s all I’ve been doing. Typo or not, the instant after you read that error it stung. I know. I’m sorry.

Today, after that, I’ve been trying to hold these useless tears in. Why the fuck am I the one crying? I don’t know. I cry for everything. I even went as far as pretending to sleep because I couldn’t control it and needed to shove my face in a pillow. Someone came in when I was pretending, I felt the breeze from my fan pause momentarily as they stood possibly staring at my face. I don’t know who it was but I think it was my sister.

I really want to stop talking about me – but who else can I talk about? I’m not anyone else but me. Yeah, I’m just me.

It’s not that I don’t want you. It’s that I feel in the long run you’ll be disappointed with me. I’m disappointed with me. From hormones to my current location, I’ll probably cry for the rest of the week.

It’s raining outside. I can feel the cool sea breeze floating through my bedroom window. I like the green colour of my curtains. And-

Yes I want to run away with you. I want to be with you. I’m surprised my tears have only began at this point, right here. But it’s true. I imagined a lot more than I let on. I saw you mostly, but I saw smaller ones too… eventually. I saw days and I saw nights. I saw places. Cold places with snow. Do you remember where we said we would go? It starts with an ‘A’.

I love you. I really do. I feel like an absolute child right now. I can’t run to you and say don’t bother with what I said. I said to run because things can get scary – seas can get rough. I never want the people that I love to endure painful things. That’s why I told you to run.

I will chase after you if you do, but here I am. Afraid of what I’ll say to you next. I always try to be kind and do the right things. Somehow I always do the wrong things to myself.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

4:03 p.m.

 

Wednesday 31st May, 2017.

9:26 p.m.

I got back all but one of my grades today. They’re not as good as last semester, but I AM SO HAPPY! I thought I was gonna fail and fail hard! xD

THANK YOU GOD.

This semester was the absolute worst. I was so alone and depressed. I’m so happy that God saw me through it. Thank you.

Thank you to you too Mr. Handsome. You know who you are. It’s sad that you appeared in the last two weeks but I’m glad you did. If you didn’t show up I know I would’ve done worse. You may not think it’s a big deal and see the significance, but you gave me someone to look forward to.

I even showed my mom the grades xD So happy with them so far.

9:31 p.m.